Patience

i wonder am i an impatient person or does time just move slower for me because my mind moves so fast. i am still feeling at peace but am longing to hear from my Master, i think that longing is a good way to feel, but it must be a happy and content longing otherwise it will become impatience. When it becomes impatience it is a frustration at not being able to control my world. In this state i am not at peace, but become more and more out of control as i begin to realise that it is impossible to control the world or other people. Then i become overwhelmed and lost and a mental, physical, and emotional paralysis descends on me.

Yesterday i had a shock but as i am feeling safe i was able to accept it as a bizarre event that i could have no control over. i had become online friends with a londonboy and i had not realised it but he had become quite attached to me and i had grown fond of him. We chatted on Wednesday when i was very distressed and confused about my position with SM and he told me not to bother with that sort of relationship and wanted to make happy. He did not drag me out of the state i was in only SM could do that by clarifying my duties, which he did on Thursday morning. On Sunday londonboy asked about my Master and i told him that it had been sorted out and he just went off his brain, called me all sorts of names, told me i was a waste of his time and an ungrateful cow. Then told me he had done enough for me to be his and then deleted me out of his life. So fine, i never did him any wrong i never hurt him and he obviously does not understand me and my need for submission and guidance from a master at all. So be it.

Today i have realised that there is a special joy in waiting for my Master, yes i would love to hear from him, and love to be in presence even more, but with each day i wait with patience the stronger this feeling becomes and when it finally does happen. i feel that i will truly appreciate it and that it will be powerful and joyous.

So today is for patience and its own rewards.