On my own

Well i have not written for some time cause i have ended up on my own and to my suprise i am enjoying it. It did take me some weeks to get over the internal confusion that was the journey of my submission to SM. Ultimately i am very glad it was so short lived as it could have been very damaging and so am lucky that it ended up being a learning experience. To this end i am going to take me time in finding a new master and i am going to enjoy the journey. i am more content then i have ever been in my life as i have finally realised my own worth. For the first time in my life i truelly feel important, sexy, successful and that i have a life.

My two little ones seem to be settling after a tumultuos year and i am finally beginning to make a circle of friends. i must admit that i am feeling a that my research has gone a little slow as of late and that i have not written for some time. This i will correct by sorting an evening calender for myself. I will write this up tonight and start following it tomorrow, as i already have plans for this evening.

i really look forward to finding a master who matches my submission and in the mean time i will get busy getting ready for this to happen, just the thought of my plans makes me smile and content. i am having fun and i am learning to surrender to this life and let it happen.

Hardwork

i am so new at this....my Sir is very stern and makes me work very hard. Tonight i am just tired and want to sleep. But i also must make some time for my school work, i must find a way to get remotivated. As far as school goes my research has changed its focus and my experiments are not working. So i am having a confusing time..think i need to find some solid ground on which to move forward from.

As for submission to Sir i am i starting to work this out i think....he does not make it is easy, yes he is challenging, but i do like the challenge and i am beginning to like him. i just hope that he likes me.

That really is all for tonight i am too tired to think. There is other news but i will get to that another time.

Them and me

So londonboy is back in my life....still being difficult to understand and leaving me feeling anxious and confused, but that is as it will but. All i can say is either i am a complete fool or there is something genuinely there between us, but we may never know with us being a world apart. So i live each moment with that one as it comes.

SB is still in my life...he is more of a confidant then a Master now...but i will always be submissive to him. He is gentle and kind and i will reach out to touch him when i can.

My submission to SM is beginning to suprise me, but yet i still am under consideration. i feel as though i have to tell him everything particularly those things that i do not want to. Those things that i would normally have kept as a prized secret. i do worry that he will not provide the control that i crave to be under, he indicates that he may provide it but he is still considering my role to him. i know that perhaps the biggest and most difficult lesson that i have to learn in this life is to have faith in the processes of life. With this will come patience, a sense of security, and an ability to accept what i am to others. i think that the need to please that i have is based on a lack of security in my childhood and that i was always trying to be acceptable to everyone.

Well that is a big one...but for some nice kind of news i am close to finishing my writing and have finally been able to see how the paper must end. i hope to finish it this weekend, put it aside for a while and move into methodology.

Dear friends?

Today i am feeling like i am completely lost, hurt and alone. It has been an emotionally charged week and i turned to those i consider close to me for some debriefing and some comfort instead what i got was a whole discussion based upon the worth of my contribution to society and the fact that i value it highly was considered egotistical etc. What i choose to contribute to this world at this point in time is not a monetry contribution i am putting a lot of effort into study, research and expanding my knowledge in order that i can expand the knowledge ofmankind. It is something that i am good at and i feel that my energies are better spent on this over selling dresses or cleaning peoples home for them.

Along with this choice i have had to forego a lot of what are luxuries in the western world, a big car, flash furniture, a large house etc. But last night i was told that i should feel priviledged because i can choose the hours i work, i can eat lunch when i choose, or i can go to the toilet when i choose. Well we all make choices and right now i hope that those who have choosen to indebt themselves to the hilt and work a shit arse job to pay for all the shit they enjoy but do not own enjoy the collaspe of capitalism. Because i know that when the shit hits the fan i will be able to keep doing what i am doing and will not miss all the crap that others use to fill their lives.

As for submission; this does not mean that i am a dumping ground for when others feel that i am not living my life as others think i should.

failure?

At the moment i am wondering if i am ever going to be able to please my Master. i received a text from him regarding a task that i failed to do saying that i had let him down again and i cannot help but feel ashamed when i do this, and then a part of me feels it is not justified. What i do know for certain is that i am falling deeper and deeper into submission to him. Somehow this scares me as it is becoming a compulsion to answer him, i seem to wait for nothing but the opportunity to please him and yet it does not come.

i think about being in his presence and i am so nervous, i want so badly to hear his voice, to see his face. then i worry that i would displease him and i think it better that he not visit me at all and this makes me very sad. i should feel joy at the thought of his visiting not fear of failing him.

So i wait for his decisions and again i must be patient and above all i must trust.

timeout

i have been given the last 5 days as time out to think about my submission to SM and to think about SM as my Master, i was asked why i should still be considered and then communication from SM was terminated and i was given invisible status. This was SM's response to some very difficult and confrontational behaviours i presented to Sir. At first i was mortified by my own behaviour and then by the fact that i had been put in time out. At first i went into a state of panic, then i became angry, then i set some rules for myself, i tried to understand my submission, and to understand Sirs needs a little more and then i began to understand where my behaviour had come from, and then i began to understand the gentleness and the consideration of Sirs response.

With these realisations i have begun the process of trusting Sir to care for and guide my submission. Today i was removed from invisible status.

Patience

i wonder am i an impatient person or does time just move slower for me because my mind moves so fast. i am still feeling at peace but am longing to hear from my Master, i think that longing is a good way to feel, but it must be a happy and content longing otherwise it will become impatience. When it becomes impatience it is a frustration at not being able to control my world. In this state i am not at peace, but become more and more out of control as i begin to realise that it is impossible to control the world or other people. Then i become overwhelmed and lost and a mental, physical, and emotional paralysis descends on me.

Yesterday i had a shock but as i am feeling safe i was able to accept it as a bizarre event that i could have no control over. i had become online friends with a londonboy and i had not realised it but he had become quite attached to me and i had grown fond of him. We chatted on Wednesday when i was very distressed and confused about my position with SM and he told me not to bother with that sort of relationship and wanted to make happy. He did not drag me out of the state i was in only SM could do that by clarifying my duties, which he did on Thursday morning. On Sunday londonboy asked about my Master and i told him that it had been sorted out and he just went off his brain, called me all sorts of names, told me i was a waste of his time and an ungrateful cow. Then told me he had done enough for me to be his and then deleted me out of his life. So fine, i never did him any wrong i never hurt him and he obviously does not understand me and my need for submission and guidance from a master at all. So be it.

Today i have realised that there is a special joy in waiting for my Master, yes i would love to hear from him, and love to be in presence even more, but with each day i wait with patience the stronger this feeling becomes and when it finally does happen. i feel that i will truly appreciate it and that it will be powerful and joyous.

So today is for patience and its own rewards.