i have been given the last 5 days as time out to think about my submission to SM and to think about SM as my Master, i was asked why i should still be considered and then communication from SM was terminated and i was given invisible status. This was SM's response to some very difficult and confrontational behaviours i presented to Sir. At first i was mortified by my own behaviour and then by the fact that i had been put in time out. At first i went into a state of panic, then i became angry, then i set some rules for myself, i tried to understand my submission, and to understand Sirs needs a little more and then i began to understand where my behaviour had come from, and then i began to understand the gentleness and the consideration of Sirs response.
With these realisations i have begun the process of trusting Sir to care for and guide my submission. Today i was removed from invisible status.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Patience
i wonder am i an impatient person or does time just move slower for me because my mind moves so fast. i am still feeling at peace but am longing to hear from my Master, i think that longing is a good way to feel, but it must be a happy and content longing otherwise it will become impatience. When it becomes impatience it is a frustration at not being able to control my world. In this state i am not at peace, but become more and more out of control as i begin to realise that it is impossible to control the world or other people. Then i become overwhelmed and lost and a mental, physical, and emotional paralysis descends on me.
Yesterday i had a shock but as i am feeling safe i was able to accept it as a bizarre event that i could have no control over. i had become online friends with a londonboy and i had not realised it but he had become quite attached to me and i had grown fond of him. We chatted on Wednesday when i was very distressed and confused about my position with SM and he told me not to bother with that sort of relationship and wanted to make happy. He did not drag me out of the state i was in only SM could do that by clarifying my duties, which he did on Thursday morning. On Sunday londonboy asked about my Master and i told him that it had been sorted out and he just went off his brain, called me all sorts of names, told me i was a waste of his time and an ungrateful cow. Then told me he had done enough for me to be his and then deleted me out of his life. So fine, i never did him any wrong i never hurt him and he obviously does not understand me and my need for submission and guidance from a master at all. So be it.
Today i have realised that there is a special joy in waiting for my Master, yes i would love to hear from him, and love to be in presence even more, but with each day i wait with patience the stronger this feeling becomes and when it finally does happen. i feel that i will truly appreciate it and that it will be powerful and joyous.
So today is for patience and its own rewards.
Yesterday i had a shock but as i am feeling safe i was able to accept it as a bizarre event that i could have no control over. i had become online friends with a londonboy and i had not realised it but he had become quite attached to me and i had grown fond of him. We chatted on Wednesday when i was very distressed and confused about my position with SM and he told me not to bother with that sort of relationship and wanted to make happy. He did not drag me out of the state i was in only SM could do that by clarifying my duties, which he did on Thursday morning. On Sunday londonboy asked about my Master and i told him that it had been sorted out and he just went off his brain, called me all sorts of names, told me i was a waste of his time and an ungrateful cow. Then told me he had done enough for me to be his and then deleted me out of his life. So fine, i never did him any wrong i never hurt him and he obviously does not understand me and my need for submission and guidance from a master at all. So be it.
Today i have realised that there is a special joy in waiting for my Master, yes i would love to hear from him, and love to be in presence even more, but with each day i wait with patience the stronger this feeling becomes and when it finally does happen. i feel that i will truly appreciate it and that it will be powerful and joyous.
So today is for patience and its own rewards.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
This is to stand as a public record of a journey into submission. i am currently under consideration of SM, at the same time my online Master SB, is maintaining the barest minimum relationship with me. i have been in the service of SB since November 2008 and ultimately have come to love him very much, he is a kind and gentle Sir, who gave me direction when things seemed difficult and offered me the opportunity to serve when my options where very limited.
Some time ago it was decided that it would soon be time to find a local master and often i would respond that i would never find one nor have the option to find one, and that i did not want one anyway. SB would always respond with "He will find you", and so far that is how it happened. i did not put my profile on a BDSM site just an ordinary dating site and low and behold very quickly got chatting with a handsome man who turned out to be a Master, SM.
It has been 3 weeks now since we met and not once since, over this time i have lost much of the relationship that i had with SB and have had difficulty refocusing my submission to SM.
The first difficulty came when i was unable to control the expression of my desire to be in SMs presence. Having never been in the physical presence of a master before i found this experience almost overwhelming, a very intense rush that i had no control over. To me this was an absolute fix and i waited all week to be there again, only SM could not make it. Then following the orders of 2 Masters began to present difficulties. SM requested that i pass on SB's commands and when i did he forbade me to follow them, so SB informed me that he would no longer command me. Then SB decided that communication between us would not continue and i went into an emotional free fall.
i began to feel lost, confused and extremely emotional, soon the selfish, greedy, and demanding girl began to raise her head. 'i want this Sir', 'i want that Sir' and the more i wanted the less i got, very soon i was getting nothing. i believe that this is because when SB ended our communication i felt as though he was no longer my Master, and i had not yet internally accepted SM as my Master, so suddenly i felt like i was masterless. i did not know what to do except get very drunk and stay as drunk for as long as possible, which was only about 5 hours, and cry. In this time i behaved badly and what is worse do not remember my bad behaviour, but there is evidence of it!
i was mortified by my behaviour and believed it was bad enough to end SM's consideration of my submission to him, and suddenly i was facing the possibility of really not having a master. i began to spin out of control, did not know what to do, where to go, what to say, i could not see let alone focus on anything, and ended up injuring my back.
Suddenly SM put the breaks on for me, at first i hated him for it, this was all his fault anyway, i was hurting. But now that the breaks were on the confusion began to clear, i could think again, and was beginning to calm down and feel at peace again. Suddenly i realised i had not been serving SM, but had been out of control and trying to use him to serve me.
Since then i have internalised SM as my Master and am finding ways to serve him, firstly by taking the time to get to know him, i have stopped considering what i can do to impress him etc, but am focusing on being patient and thinking of ways that i can surrender to serve his needs. At the moment the most important is to follow his instruction. To be quiet and comfortable within myself.
Until next time.
Some time ago it was decided that it would soon be time to find a local master and often i would respond that i would never find one nor have the option to find one, and that i did not want one anyway. SB would always respond with "He will find you", and so far that is how it happened. i did not put my profile on a BDSM site just an ordinary dating site and low and behold very quickly got chatting with a handsome man who turned out to be a Master, SM.
It has been 3 weeks now since we met and not once since, over this time i have lost much of the relationship that i had with SB and have had difficulty refocusing my submission to SM.
The first difficulty came when i was unable to control the expression of my desire to be in SMs presence. Having never been in the physical presence of a master before i found this experience almost overwhelming, a very intense rush that i had no control over. To me this was an absolute fix and i waited all week to be there again, only SM could not make it. Then following the orders of 2 Masters began to present difficulties. SM requested that i pass on SB's commands and when i did he forbade me to follow them, so SB informed me that he would no longer command me. Then SB decided that communication between us would not continue and i went into an emotional free fall.
i began to feel lost, confused and extremely emotional, soon the selfish, greedy, and demanding girl began to raise her head. 'i want this Sir', 'i want that Sir' and the more i wanted the less i got, very soon i was getting nothing. i believe that this is because when SB ended our communication i felt as though he was no longer my Master, and i had not yet internally accepted SM as my Master, so suddenly i felt like i was masterless. i did not know what to do except get very drunk and stay as drunk for as long as possible, which was only about 5 hours, and cry. In this time i behaved badly and what is worse do not remember my bad behaviour, but there is evidence of it!
i was mortified by my behaviour and believed it was bad enough to end SM's consideration of my submission to him, and suddenly i was facing the possibility of really not having a master. i began to spin out of control, did not know what to do, where to go, what to say, i could not see let alone focus on anything, and ended up injuring my back.
Suddenly SM put the breaks on for me, at first i hated him for it, this was all his fault anyway, i was hurting. But now that the breaks were on the confusion began to clear, i could think again, and was beginning to calm down and feel at peace again. Suddenly i realised i had not been serving SM, but had been out of control and trying to use him to serve me.
Since then i have internalised SM as my Master and am finding ways to serve him, firstly by taking the time to get to know him, i have stopped considering what i can do to impress him etc, but am focusing on being patient and thinking of ways that i can surrender to serve his needs. At the moment the most important is to follow his instruction. To be quiet and comfortable within myself.
Until next time.
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